Severe Depression

Posted by santosj on October 30, 2006

Damn It

It isn’t really laziness on my part this time. I just can’t seriously code anymore, but I think what is driving it is uncertainty. I’m really just torn from what I need to do, what I want to do, and not enough time to do both.

What I’m doing however, is taking a break from it all. A short break. Two weeks, then I’ll probably get my head out of my ass. I’m just laying back and watching TV, reading manga, and viewing Anime and Movies. Something, that I haven’t done in a long, long time.

Reasons why I’m depressed? To much to list and most have to be dealt with in the long term, which also drives further depression. I’m feel as if I’m losing my mind to insanity. How long will I keep my job before they can my ass? Am I as good at coding as I think I am? Can I get a job doing coding full time or Network Administrating? If I do, how will I spend the 8 hours and will I be a valuable member of the team?

I want to get a job at Network Administration, which is what I spent two years working on an Associate Degree for. I need to get the A+ and Network+ certifications before I can even go in to a place to even ask for employment. The problem? It has been over a year and I’ll have to study a great deal to remember what I may have forgotten. I just don’t have motivation for that because I’ll rather code instead.

I can code, but I don’t have any motivation to spend 8 hours coding. I do more than code, like research, but the thing with getting paid to code is that I shouldn’t have to research, I should know most things already when I’m on the job. Things like Design Patterns, Optimization, Classes, and Security, I should already have experience with and know about them. I don’t, but I’m actively working on that.

I think the worse part is looking at another code and saying, “If I tried that, it would suck!” Other times, it is that I had that same idea, but never followed through. What other project in my head do I have that some other person will complete and get credit for? What can I do, what would I want to do?

Going back to school, is a start, to finish, not only the Network Administration degree (and hopefully get the A+ and Network+ certifications), but also get a degree in what I really want to do, which is Programming.

Gamehole

I’ll have to say, that this project is what is driving the depression. Not the cause of it, I’ve been depressed for quite some time.

The problem is that I Have to complete this project, but I think about most of the features I’ve completed, which aren’t being used. I think what is the point? I spent almost a full year actively trying to complete this project and what do I have to show for it? Pretty much nothing. Code sucks, administration is broken, which is the part I have to complete.

I really want to code games instead and have other projects that have been on the back burner for a long time. I won’t have time for them until Gamehole is completed and I don’t have the motivation to complete it. Which is driving the depression and leading me to do nothing.

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1 Comments.

  1. Maugrim October 31, 2006 at 3:52 pm

    Sounds like you have burnout. My coding cycle has evolved over the last few years into a series of stages. Stage 1: Enthusiasm. Stage 2: Research. Stage 3: Skeleton Code. Stage 4: Complete Boredom. Stage 5: Being Lazy. Stage 6: Getting Bored With Being Lazy ;) . Stage 7: Return To Stage 1.

    On a serious note. Programming well requires a lot of thinking not just coding. A lot of the really good code was churned out in a very short time by someone who spent weeks if not months tinkering with ideas, assessing research, and (hopefully) relying on unit tests. The best thing you can have a set of personal classes or something based on a standard library which lets you get to the meat of a project quickly where all the “big” problems generally live.

    Unfortunately your Gamehole project seems to have one thing I’ve met in the past and actively try to avoid – unused features. I despise unused features as a programmer. If I were you I’d drop any of these that are outstanding and relegate them to a later period when you have the big things you absolutely require done.