Jacob Santos

What do I know about Programming?

1. If I do nothing, nothing is done
2. Failure is not the end, only the start of a new beginnning.
3. Experience is gained from tears, hardship, and great pain and suffering.
4. Anything is possible, and anything worth succeeding is worth the journey.
5. Learning takes time, but it is worth it

Learning from mistakes is often better than succeeding outright. You learn more from mistakes! If you succeed the first time than what is gained? Not much, if but a breath were to fall upon the project, would it fail? If so, would you be able to fix it? Reminds me of the few times, I created something so “complex” that I did not understand how it worked.

You know you have problems then. What if you want to add something? What if something doesn’t work correctly? God forbid some other developer were to come along and knock down the house of cards you’ve built. (Probably worth smashing the poor guys face in, well not the guys fault, but can’t smash your own face in, just doesn’t seem right.)

What do I know about Women?

1. Totally hot
2. Has soft skin

I’m am screwed now aren’t I? Well, lets break down the past failures (and there were many).

Women don’t like it when you cringe at the sight of them.

I’ve quite contradicted myself, haven’t I? Ah yes, the beauty of women is but the essence or the sight of them. When I think of women, I get a whole another feeling than when I think of men and I’m not talking about sex either. This is before that, but I’ll rather not have sex with a man, not my cup of tea.

Yes, my attraction to women is known. It is just afterwards, there might be some unattractive features that would most likely be less relaxed about.

Might be teeth, might be the belly size. Might be the lack of intelligent, unless smart women scare you (but aren’t all women intelligent and great pretenders?)

Might be a laugh that makes you want to strangle the female and bury her corpse. (Of course, my most evil laugh would probably have me sleeping with one eye open while with a mate, especially at the mishap of laughing in my sleep. May never wake up after that.)

Most definitely don’t like it when you care more about what others think.

Lost a girlfriend this way.

Have I mentioned I’m an asshole? No, okay, I’m an asshole, but I’m trying (maybe) on working on that. Although, my asshole-ness did lose my last ex-girlfriend, for which I still regret most deeply.

What about this then. What does it matter what others think? A lot actually. I think the question is always, “Am I worthy of such a fine woman?” Then again, “Is this plain woman worthy of me?” is more often the question asked. To paraphrase, “If I had to be with this woman for the rest of my life, would I have regrets?” Perhaps, but having a little fun before settling down isn’t too much to ask is it?

Well, I received a lot of crap over my last ex-girlfriend. Sure she was over-weight, but damn it, she was pretty. What is weight anyway, weight can be lost, weight can be gained, to judge someone’s worth based on that, seems childish.

Need to be told that they are Beautiful

Damn, if women suck, it is because of this. If I’m with you, then it is only because I think the world of you and no other woman is but a reflection.

However, I very much like being told I’m an excellent programmer and that people bow to my name. Bow to your master, bitches! I kid, there are much better programmers (that I bow to). Perhaps, there is something to this after all.

Validation, I’ve learned is important in a health relationship. The partner forgets that simple words can mean so much. Men, take women for granted so often, until they walk out and the torment begins. “What did I do wrong?” Well, the answer is everything. Men need to make their woman happy, just as much as women need to make their man happy.

Women care as much about sex as men do

Rule 1 of Jacob’s (non)dating book: Wait until you realize the woman isn’t crazy, and then sleep with her. It is better to not sleep with a crazy bitch and have her not kill you, than it is to sleep with a crazy person and have her seek her revenge on your punk ass.

Of course, with women, you’re screwed either way, so it is better to of had it and lost it, than to never of had it at all. If she is going to plot her revenge regardless, then what is the point of holding out?

Seems interesting, but how do you know when she is ready? “Want to have sex?” “Strip down and show daddy some love.” Just doesn’t sound right. Should words express passion when the mouth and lips would do a better job?

Perhaps, when the time is right is as much a learned as anything with women. Waiting too long is more like sounding a death sentence, but one thing I learned is not to play like you don’t want it. A real quick way to find your woman with another man and we know what that mens. Two body bags and a whole lot of evidence to clean up and not that much time.

Still haven’t choked the bastard that my ex cheated with. Eh, I’m not ready to throw my life away (for life imprisonment) for a woman.

Most women will not come to you

Well, about 99.99% of all women an average guy meets probably isn’t going to ask them out first. Even my last ex-girlfriend, signaled that she was interested, but I had to ask her out. Perhaps, all that is needed, is the simple words, “Will you go out with me?” with the addition of, “Or I’ll kidnap your family and won’t let you see them until you do!” (I would recommend against the last part because police are pretty smart and you’ll probably find yourself with more than you bargained for.)

Gaining courage, seems to be more difficult than it really is. I believe I’ve been looking through the glass as women as some sort of gods or angels too worthy of the pain of suffering I’ll most unintentionally put them through.

I like crazy women

Not the crazy, where like, they wait until you wake up before plunging the knife into your heart. That is my second worse fear that I have of death, and coincidently my favorite. Think about it, there are a lot worse ways to die than a women (preferably naked) killing you. If I was going to die, I’ll rather it be my second worse fear of death, than my first. At least it would mean I did something right.

No, I seriously thought the serial killer in the previous season of CSI: was sexy. It might be wrong, but I thought, “I would like for her to kill me.” The current insane evil clone from Kyle XY is also hot, more so when she is insane, but still pretty when she isn’t. In real life, I’ll probably run as fast as possible away from these women.

It does sort of explain my attraction for what some may term “plain.” I think those are the women who are snatched up the quickest. Hmm, no one wants to be poor (bound to an ugly woman), everyone wants to be rich (super hot), but most would settle for middle class, (plain Jane).

Nothing wrong with that. I think plain women are absolutely beautiful and not because they would be more likely to go out with me. With absolutely gorgeous women, problems may occur. She may not think you’re worthy of her. She may care more about money. She may even be banging a few on the side. The worse is contending with more attractive guys hitting on her in front of you.

What I’m going to do

I’m going to stop doing nothing. Hell, if I know anything it is that Mecha Asylum wouldn’t have been done, and that I’m treating dating like I am Heat of the Race and Battle Machines. I’m ignoring it all together.

I’m not totally hopeless, I asked for the first time and a total stranger, “Are you single?” It is a start, but better than nothing. Best part, is that it doesn’t apply that you’re interested.

Here is how it went:

Me: “Are you single?”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Are you single?” a little bit louder.

Her: “Yes.”
Me: …
Her: “What? No. No… Why?”
Me: “Nevermind.”

Turns out she was the same woman who asked me if I knew her the day before, she just changed face and I didn’t recognize her. Damn am I ever screwed, if any of my ex-girlfriends change their appearance.

Ex: “Do I know you?”
Me: “Well, I don’t know you, so I doubt it.”
Ex: “Wait. I do know you.”
Me: (Oh crap, oh god. Please don’t let her be an ex)
Ex: “Yeah, we used to date.”
Ex: (stabbity-stab)

Me: (dieing) You bitch! You killed me! (dead)

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