Jacob Santos

I know people often have questions on which credit card to sign up for. I think you should choose 1st Financial Bank for the following reasons.

1. You’re a Credit Virgin.

   I know that when I signed up for the awesome service for the credit card from this bank, I had no idea the contract was a legally binding ownership of my ass. The bank will only come a knocking (your damn door down) after you’ve majorly screwed up and they’ve come to collect on raping your ass. Don’t worry, they’ll wring your ass out, spreading your ass cheeks out far enough for some gentle tearing of the asshole area (I believe it is called a rectum).

   If you proceed to only pay the minimum, then you’ll experience the awesome-ness of being raped constantly. The best part is that they’ll blame you and tell you that it is your fault and if you want it to all go away, then you should just stick their cock in your mouth and slide it in and out until the bursting of love comes out.

   Don’t worry, you’ll most likely stay a credit card virgin. If you are like most people who are bound to make mistakes, then you’ll lose that virginity in the most profound, life changing, unforgettable way. That is, the raping of the ass area. Totally awesome! I do it to myself just so I don’t forget the joy the bank has given me over the years.

2. You Love Paying Interest Every Day.

   Don’t forget, paying interest every day is one of the great benefits of 1st Financial Bank, because you get to see how much deeper in the hole your are. This interest is added to your balance immediately and so you have the privilege of paying interest on top of interest on top of even more interest. Great fun.

   The other banks don’t do this, they force you to wait a whole month before you can see the amount of interest they are charging you and add that to the balance. What idiocy those banks have, I want to have my interest added every day, so I can see how much I can spend.

   I know my day isn’t complete until I’m paying for fees on top of fees. It is only natural. I mean, They are loaning this money to you and you are bound to the terms of their contract. Including having them change it on you. Well, gee golly, if you don’t like it, then you can always cancel, and oh wait, you have to pay the balance off. Hell, you only start with 250 USD after all. That is simple enough, right? Of course it is, even after they increase your credit limit, you’ll be damned to spend that money without the ability to pay it immediately off.

3. The Warm Customer Service Representatives.

   Nothing gets me hard during the day, then being told how worthless I am as a human being, because I’m a deadbeat. Hell, to get that much excitement, I have to beat up crippled children. Well, damn, if I beat up non-crippled children, then they can fight back and there is a high probability that I’ll have my ass handed to me. I can’t take that chance!

   The customer service know that you have no choice, but to pay or the raping will continue until the debt is satisfied. Want to change your terms? Ha ha, silly mortals, changing terms is for people who have great credit, which if you have this card, you either didn’t to start with or won’t for long. Even if you have great credit, if you have this card, then the APR is far above what you could get at a good (oops, forget I said that!) bank, that by the time you realize that, if you are extremely lucky, you’ll be so far in that little hole of yours that the shit will be piling up, because there would be no other way out (you have to shit somewhere).

   The bank knows that their customers are fighting a war of attrition, for which they only have to wait and you’ll wave your white flag. If you don’t pay the debt, then you risk litigation, bankruptcy, and possibility of a mob of serial rapists. Um, except they’ll serially rape just your ass. Over and over and over again. Don’t worry, over time, you’ll grow numb to the horrendous pain of your buttocks and you’ll tell yourself that it is all right while rocking back and forth in a corner, while naked (although, I’m unsure why you’ll be naked). Not that I’m had the fortune of doing that myself. One of these days, I’ll have the wondrous opportunity to experience that passion myself.

4. An APR Rate Way Above The Going Rate for Your Score.

   If you’ve had the, um, pleasure of signing up for 1st Financial Bank and being approved, then well, ha ha, like any other bank will give you credit. The other banks would probably laugh at your face and smear feces all of your face and mouth, but not 1st Financial Bank. They love you enough to give you terms of your demise (the good kind and yes it exists, some guy named Ted told me), if you so choose to accept them.

   You see, what 1st Financial Bank offers is family, a friendship that goes beyond being friendly. You see, since you are family, the bank understands that you’ll accept any shit terms they hand you. Even if the terms are decent when you first receive them, they know that they can raise them at any time. What family doesn’t stick it to each other and kick their friends when their down. I don’t know of any other, so I’ll assume it is just normal behavior.

   Who knows, you might be the black sheep of the family and take good care to not spend more than you can pay off. You might even raise your credit score up enough to get ones of fabled prime credit cards. You might even be one of those fictional (I can only assume, since no one I know does this) people that actually saves their money in a thing called a savings account for which they bank pays you money. I know, right? Pfft, that couldn’t exist, it is far too true to be good.

Remember, 1st Financial Bank is some good shit and I’ve had good shit (Ted made me eat his… didn’t taste good, but better than John’s shit…). Remember, I love this company, along with being whipped, while my balls are clamped to an electrical device set to 10k volts every 10 seconds. If there isn’t smoke, then you’re doing it wrong.

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This entry was posted on Monday, October 19th, 2009 at 10:12 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.